First of all, I was overwhelmed by the love and support from last week’s post.
Thank you to all who wrote and checked in with me. I’m doing great, physically and emotionally.
Loss is a part of life. I spoke to a healer last night about my loss and the first thing she asked was if I had done a ritual for the passing of our baby’s spirit.
I had. As soon as I realized I was miscarrying, I went to my Brigid altar, lit the candles, and sat in silence. There was nothing to ask for. There was nothing to save. I cried. And then I offered words to the baby’s spirit. I reiterated how much I’d wanted to be their mom and was so very sorry it hadn’t worked this time. I also said that my husband and I are waiting right here, waiting to be their parents when they’re ready to come back.
It was a simple ritual of farewell. But it was effective for me.
I didn’t know it then, but I had two days of pain and sickness ahead of me. Those days would have been even harder had I not cared for my spiritual and emotional self, first. Because I had already said goodbye to my baby’s spirit (with the understanding that they were welcome to come back), I had an easier time parting with the physical aspects. I know some women bury their passed placentas or other components of miscarriage, planting flowers or other things atop them. I flushed mine, highly unceremoniously. I was ready for everything to pass and to move forward. But I also had forewarning from my doctor that this was likely to happen and therefore, time to mourn before it actually took place. Had this been a surprise, I might have needed an additional closure ritual, such as burying placenta or a more elaborate farewell ceremony.
Still, the simple rite prepared me for the difficult work ahead.
But my soul work wasn’t done, yet. Following this event, I had to do a rite to say goodbye to people who had at one time been my friends. We hadn’t been close in a long time, but the events that took place left my feelings too hot for constructive conversation. In the past, I’ve written letters to people that I burned or buried, but because I am so connected to my written words, those rituals were never very effective for me.
On the So Below level (meaning what I can do physically or personally), I blocked some on Facebook and wrapped up business arrangements with another. I kept conversations professional and direct, unwilling to get into what had happened or proving my point–only interested in ending things.
Later that evening, I did the Magickal rite of farewell.
Like the rite of farewell for my baby, this one was also simple. I went to my altar, lit my candles and burned a little Palo Santo. I envisioned each person from the situation and focused on circling each of them with healing light. I know that people hurt others when they have been hurt. They might even say that I caused that hurt in the first place. But I did the ritual with the understanding that it’s not my place to say who was right in the situation. It was only my responsibility to say goodbye.
I’m probably going to get an enormous amount of shit for saying this, but bring it, bitches: A great way to perform a rite of farewell for is to wish love and blessings to the person, no matter how much harm them they caused you.
But what if they don’t deserve it, I know some will ask. Maybe they don’t. I don’t know. It’s not my call to make. I did the ritual for myself. My father taught me that it’s impossible to stay angry at someone after you pray for their best wellbeing. Being 3,000 miles from the people who angered me with no constructive way to address my own anger, I didn’t want it anymore. My husband and I want to try the baby thing again. I don’t want the kid coming into an angry body.
So, that’s what I did! Here are some thoughts of what you might be able to do.
A Rite of Farewell
What you’ll need:
- A white candle to represent the person or situation you’re bidding farewell. If you are saying goodbye to several people, you may want to burn a candle for each. If you don’t have a bunch of candles, one is fine for all. White is good for this spell as it’s blank. Like erasing words from a Word document, you are saying goodbye and creating a blank slate in your heart.
- A “blocking” herb such as nettle, blackberry thorn, Soloman’s Seal, or walnut. The herb is not meant to create an energetic link with you and the person, but to prevent your own psyche from wondering about them or Facebook stalking them.
- An offering to a Deity or Spirit who can help you with this. If you don’t have a deity or spirit in mind, a glass of water for the Universal Spirit is always acceptable.
Holding the unlit candle (one at a time if you’re using several), focus first on the past you had with the person or situation. Focus on the good times as well as the pain. Articulate the reason you’re saying goodbye. Were you hurt? Are you burned out? Are you simply ready for something new? Imagine pushing those thoughts into the candle(s).
Set the candles on the altar. Make your offering to the Deity or Spirit, asking for help saying goodbye. Light the candles and say the following: With the aid of those greater than me, I light your way to peace and blessings. Our journeys now separate, may your guides and Ancestors lead you to joy. I close our time together. So Mote It Be.
Sprinkle the blocking herbs around the candle(s). Allow them to burn all the way down (Smaller candles are good for this work as you don’t have to put them out and re-light them over several days…because we don’t leave candles burning unattended, right kittenz?). Discard of wax remnants in the garbage and compost the herbs.