This was a piece I originally posted in Patheos a few years back. It seemed about time to bring it back!
1.) Let the local Halloween pop-up store know how offended you are if they post something like this, but then…:
Stand around and tap your Mary Janes until they change it. Then fly up on your broomstick on Halloween, circle the store, and fly off like, “Hee hee hee heee, Bitches!!!!”
2.) Walk around town in your Witch hat and robes and when people say “Happy Halloween,” look puzzled and be all, “Oh! I guess it is Halloween! Hahaha!”
I do this every year.
3.) Bring this candy to the party.
If you do, Netflix will do a doc about you.
4.) Tell everyone at the Silent Supper that you practice a tradition called “Contrary Witchcraft” and while everyone eats silently, you start fighting with your ancestors. Aloud.
Bonus points if you laugh and say, “Dead can joke!”
5.) This:
But if you do, you’re my hero.
6.) Walk up to someone at the Samhain ritual, and tell them you have a message from their dead cat. Start meowing. Then, climb on the table and eat all the cheese.
If someone tries to exorcise the kitty-spirit out of you, you win the holiday.
7.) Attend the ritual with the mandatory black robes but you dress in pink and say it’s because you belong to the Temple of Regina George and They Can’t Sit With You.
They should accommodate you.
8.) Post a glittery Samhain or Halloween picture and “@” everyone on your friends list.
Everything else is fair game. Except maybe the candy one.