OKAY! First of all, Mercury and Neptune don’t give a pimply-rat’s tush about you any more than the Sun cares about whether it’s giving you melanoma or the Moon caring about your romantic midnight picnic. If these planets actually have a consciousness (I think they do, as I think our Earth does), they’re not spending any of it on the swarming primates on Planet 3. If they are even aware that we exist, it’s probably similar to the way the alley cats downstairs looking at the poor feline with all the fleas: “Poor guy. Sorry about all that. Um….stay on that side of the solar system, ‘k?”
That whole first paragraph was a lie. I was wrong. I left it there so you all would know how very wrong I am. Neptune and Mercury are DEFINITELY planning to destroy us with their simultaneous Retrogrades.
No matter how logical I try to be…no matter how much of what I try to rationalize away so I sound more intellectual…no matter how many times I’d like to tell you that planetary transits only affect humanity because we believe they’re going to affect humanity….guess what??? I’M WRONG. THE PLANETS ARE DEFINITELY CONSPIRING.
Here’s another sneak preview from my new Sacred Mists course, which talks about Neptune and Mercury in Retrograde:
Because of the planet’s dreamy influences, when the planet goes retrograde, reality seems (for lack of a better description) more real than usual. Astrologers believe that problems can surface and cannot be ignored. By taking clues during the Neptune Retrograde, one can appropriate “clean Magickal house” and help set priorities for the rest of the year. If you “bottle” some of the Neptune Retrograde energy, it can be used when Neptune is direct to uncover culprits of problems. In addition, if you are someone who battles unusually strong dreams or premonitions and you’d prefer the dreams to subside a bit, this energy can be used to soften those powers. Lastly, Neptune Retrograde energy may be used to charm peaceful-sleep amulets. I say this in the last few days of the Mercury Retrograde during a Neptune Retrograde! While my attempts to work through communications snarls haven’t been as effective as I’d like, I do plan on using the last of these transits to create a resolution oil, when I need to pick a tough lock, so to speak!
What I should have said was:
* Don’t go on Social Media. In fact, don’t turn on the Internet. Everyone you know has gone Maniacally Bat Shit And Can’t Be Trusted.
* Don’t leave the house. Everyone you’ve ever annoyed is plotting to “run into you” and spill hot lemonade down the front of your summer linen pants. Why is it hot lemonade? BECAUSE NEPTUNE AND MERCURY HAS MADE PEOPLE CRAZY. THAT’S WHY.
* Don’t turn your back on your cats. They will hack in your coffee because of all the times you didn’t get up in time to feed them before 5:00 a.m.
* Smash your phone because if you don’t, your ex will text you some weird inside joke you’ve mostly forgotten about. And you’ll probably be on a date with someone new when it comes. And it will be super awkward.
Yeah, Neptune Ret empties out all the closets we thought we bricked-shut. And Merc Ret drags it all out in public because Mercury adores planetary company.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be under my bed.*
* Not really. I’m not telling ANY of you kittenz where I am because I TRUST NO ONE UNTIL JULY ONE WHEN MERC COMES BACK AND WE ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH NEPTUNE CLEANUP.